But the Finnish people really don't get it. And by "it" I mean how to have a real city. Sure, Helsinki has an international airport, excellent museums and performing arts, restaurants and a casino. And the people of Helsinki are sophisticated and international, all of them speaking a minimum of three languages.
But is that really something to be proud of? Us Americans, on average, speak one language, and speak that 65% correct. But we've got more guns, tanks and bombs than any of those fancy countries. So who's really got their priorities right?
But, in addition to there lack of manly expenditures of their national resources (Finland doesn't even make it on my pie chart of testosterone-fueled economic priorities), the Finns have some other areas where they need American guidance. When I look at Helsinki, for example, their are too main problems: to little asphalt and two few cars.
Let me start with the asphalt problem. I live in part of old Helsinki, about half a mile (57 dekaliters) from the main square and Parliament Building. You would think I would be able to enjoy the comforting smell of overheated asphalt and auto exhaust any time I was feeling threatened by feelings of bucolic serenity. But, NOOOO! There is one park 100 yards (22.93 centigrams) from my door in one direction and another park 300 yards from my door in another direction. And I am less than a half mile from the Helsinki Central Park--a 2,500 acre forested nature preserve. To give you a perspective, this is three times the size of New York's Central Park, for a population less than one-tenth that of New York.
If you look toward the bottom of the map, you will see "Laakso ja Ruskeasuo." These are the name of two adjacent areas of the park. "Laakso" translates to "Valley" and "Ruskeasuo" translates to "Brown Swamp." Oh, those Finns! They are such silver-tongued romantics! "Oh, my darling, on this beautiful spring day, won't you come take a walk with me in the Brown Swamp? And would you wear your khaki waders? The ones that match your boots?"
But I may have drifted slightly off topic.
My point is: If the Finns want Helsinki to feel like a real city--meaning, obviously, a real American city--they need to change their Central Park to a "central park"--i.e., an asphalt-covered area for parking cars. It would do wonders for one of the biggest drawbacks to Helsinki's claim to be a major city. I refer to "fresh air". Of course. If New York or Chicago or Los Angeles was plagued with this "fresh air" stuff, it would be a national scandal. But, between ocean breezes off of the Gulf of Finland and the clean, oxygen-rich air provided by those 1000 hectares of trees in Central Park, Helsinki is full of it.
But, to be fair, there are some positive signs. As we all know, "young people are our future." Or, as we Americans like to express this idea: "Oh, shit." But here in Helsinki I see young people who are willing to embrace a cause. Who are not afraid to get their hands dirty. With cigarette ash. There even is an ad on TV here for some nicotine inhaler that lets you go up to 60 minutes without a cigarette. (I assume that going longer than 60 minutes between smokes is just crazy talk.) It shows a man getting a blast from his nicotine inhaler, then running in a race. Because nobody likes running hard for a long time than cigarette smokers. [This ad really exists.] So, there's hope. If all of us here are willing to set aside our selfish fixations on health, nature and the future of our planet, and join with these brave young people, we can make Helsinki smell of stale tobacco smoke, like a real city should. And how can there be any downside to that?
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