I know how some of you picture Finland--as a Scandinavian haven of socialists, pacifists, braless blonde women, sexual liberation, and strange movies about wild strawberries.
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Well, that just shows how ill-informed you are, my friend. Finland, technically speaking, is "Nordic" rather than "Scandinavian." And that is more than a semantic difference. I will have you know that no Finnish movie director has made a movie about a human playing chess with Death.
(Of course, there are several Finnish movies about humans playing ice hockey with Death. But these are upbeat, light-hearted films, where Death always loses, since it is so damn difficult to get off a decent slap shot with a scythe.)
However, back to my crucial and fascinating main point.
I have exaggerated, of course, in highlighting the differences between Finland and the US. But it gave me an arguable justification for putting a picture of women in bikinis into my blog, so my distortion of truth served a higher, nobler purpose.
But now I must acknowledge a fact that is well-known among Europeans--namely, that Finland is the most American of all of the European countries. This is not something I have made up, but rather a commonly held belief in Europe. Some of the bases for this belief include:
1. On a per capita basis, Finland has the most guns of any country in the EU. And, needless to say, the US has the most guns per person of any country in the world. Once again, American Exceptionalism is on display! So, one could say that being in Finland--Look out!--is just like--BAAM!--being in America. Except that Finland has only one-third the number of privately owned guns on a per capita basis as in the US. Apparently, its citizens actually believe that the reasons for private ownership of firearms are hunting, recreational marksmanship, and as part of a "well regulated Militia." Coincidentally, Finland has 15 gun-related homicides in per year (in a country of 5.5 million people). Pretty pathetic for "The European America", I'll admit. More like "the European Canada." Bleck. Okay, so maybe this isn't my best argument. I think we should move on. Right away.
2. Finns are as likely to walk into speeding traffic because they are texting as Americans are. Actually, much more likely. Because Finns (1) are much more likely than Americans to be walking; and (2) Finns are more likely to be holding a cell phone. As amazing as it is to any of us who spend time on a college campus--or high school campus--or a grade school campus, Finns use 70% more cell phones than we do on a per capita basis. This is best explained by the fact that for the past 149 years, a major employer and business success story in Finland has been Nokia. (No, Nokia is not a Japanese company. Though for the past year it has been a wholly-owned subsidiary of Microsoft. But, then again, haven't we all been? Just remember, if your Windows operating system is not working right, the solution is not to question the wisdom of buying a Windows operating system in the first place, but rather to buy another Windows operating system. Or as Will Rodgers said, "If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?")
So, not that center-right governments (such as they have in Finland now) are willing to do the bidding of big business, but Finland's Pakollinenmatkapuhelinhallussaanlain makes it mandatory that every Finn over the age of 4 (months) must have his or her own cell phone. (I believe that the US Congress is currently considering similar legislation. Or will be, as soon as Steve Job's successor reads this blog.)
3. "Never give a sucker an even break" may have originated with W.C. Fields:
But that motto has truly been brought to full flowering by that most American of cities: Las Vegas.
Now, I won't argue that Helsinki has yet achieved the tasteful, understated beauty of Las Vegas, this being a picture of the most prominent building in Helsinki:
In case you are wondering, yes, this is a church. And it doesn't even have bingo. So how can this resemble Las Vegas?, you might ask. If you were still reading this. Thank God that you are not. But if you were, I would point out the guy in the front of the picture. You know that Las Vegas attracts all kinds of riff-raff: gangsters; deadbeats; con artists; drunken fraternity guys; Wayne Newton. But when it comes to moral bankruptcy and an addled brain, this guy beats them all. Or so I am told. Often. And repeatedly.
But the closest connection between Helsinki and Las Vegas gets back to my original quote: "Never give a sucker an even break."
Within the first couple of days after I got here, my lovely bride-to-be taught me a card game that is a big favorite in her family. I won't try to explain it, but it is a game of skill, memory and daring. And I handily won! The first time we played. And then . . .
Well, just as the casinos in Las Vegas have never gone broke by having someone start their gambling with a run of luck, let's just say that someone who is not a native-Finnish speaker has been doing a lot of cooking and dishwashing at a certain apartment near a tall stone church. And what I want to say is, "If only there had been some clue that Raija knew how to play cards so well!"
2. Finns are as likely to walk into speeding traffic because they are texting as Americans are. Actually, much more likely. Because Finns (1) are much more likely than Americans to be walking; and (2) Finns are more likely to be holding a cell phone. As amazing as it is to any of us who spend time on a college campus--or high school campus--or a grade school campus, Finns use 70% more cell phones than we do on a per capita basis. This is best explained by the fact that for the past 149 years, a major employer and business success story in Finland has been Nokia. (No, Nokia is not a Japanese company. Though for the past year it has been a wholly-owned subsidiary of Microsoft. But, then again, haven't we all been? Just remember, if your Windows operating system is not working right, the solution is not to question the wisdom of buying a Windows operating system in the first place, but rather to buy another Windows operating system. Or as Will Rodgers said, "If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?")
So, not that center-right governments (such as they have in Finland now) are willing to do the bidding of big business, but Finland's Pakollinenmatkapuhelinhallussaanlain makes it mandatory that every Finn over the age of 4 (months) must have his or her own cell phone. (I believe that the US Congress is currently considering similar legislation. Or will be, as soon as Steve Job's successor reads this blog.)
3. "Never give a sucker an even break" may have originated with W.C. Fields:
But that motto has truly been brought to full flowering by that most American of cities: Las Vegas.
Now, I won't argue that Helsinki has yet achieved the tasteful, understated beauty of Las Vegas, this being a picture of the most prominent building in Helsinki:
In case you are wondering, yes, this is a church. And it doesn't even have bingo. So how can this resemble Las Vegas?, you might ask. If you were still reading this. Thank God that you are not. But if you were, I would point out the guy in the front of the picture. You know that Las Vegas attracts all kinds of riff-raff: gangsters; deadbeats; con artists; drunken fraternity guys; Wayne Newton. But when it comes to moral bankruptcy and an addled brain, this guy beats them all. Or so I am told. Often. And repeatedly.
But the closest connection between Helsinki and Las Vegas gets back to my original quote: "Never give a sucker an even break."
Within the first couple of days after I got here, my lovely bride-to-be taught me a card game that is a big favorite in her family. I won't try to explain it, but it is a game of skill, memory and daring. And I handily won! The first time we played. And then . . .
Well, just as the casinos in Las Vegas have never gone broke by having someone start their gambling with a run of luck, let's just say that someone who is not a native-Finnish speaker has been doing a lot of cooking and dishwashing at a certain apartment near a tall stone church. And what I want to say is, "If only there had been some clue that Raija knew how to play cards so well!"
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