My Strength Is As the Strength of Ten

(Because I am delusional, sleep-deprived, and narcissistic) it comes to me as no surprise that the poem that Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote in 1834, entitled Sir Galahad, is actually a description of me.  Especially the part where he writes:

"My strength is as the strength of ten
Because my heart is pure."

Though, to be completely accurate, the second line should read:

"Because my heart is pumping pure caffeine through my veins."

But you can see how that would destroy the rhyme scheme.

And where is this pure caffeine coming from?  Where is it coming from?  Where?  Where?  Huh?  How about it?  Where?  And is it having any effect on me?  On me?  Is it?  Me?  Where?  Huh?

 

From Finnish coffee!  A substance that looks (more or less) like actual coffee.  And tastes (more or less) like actual coffee.  But in reality is a scientifically altered chemical compound that has the properties of a liquid while retaining the chemical makeup of pure caffeine.  What a breakthrough!

Right now I am drinking four cups a day of this Nordic miracle beverage.  Which, by Finnish standards, puts me on par with a newborn baby.  You see, coffee is kind of popular with Finns.  If fact, if a child hasn't progressed to six cups of coffee a day by the age of 12 months, parents are obligated to take them to a medical specialist.  It's the law.  And if you doubt me, just google Aktiivisestilapsenehkäisynlaki! 

 

For those of you who did google Aktiivisestilapsenehkäisynlaki, you should also sell everything you have and send me all of your money.  In 7 days after you do this, you will receive uncountable wealth.  In a totally unrelated observation, it is a mathematical principle that 0 is not one of the counting numbers.

 

 Although, of course, everything I say in this blog is true, it just so happens that some of the things I say are even more true than others.  Such as the fact that Finns lead the world in per capita coffee consumption.  Over 26 pounds per person per year.  In metric terms, 12 kg per person per year.  (By the way, for those of you that love to learn new facts, "kg" stands for "Karlos Guapo", the illegitimate half-brother of Hecto Pascal in the tele-novella, "¿Dónde Está la Biblioteca?")

 

As I said, this is the highest level of coffee addiction---oops, coffee enjoyment---in the world.  The second place country, Norway, trails by more than 4 1/2 pounds per person (2.1 guapos).   As for the US?  A pitiful 25th place.  Only 1.6 cups of coffee per person per day.  And if that's not embarrassing enough, the US is tied with Macedonia!  MACEDONIA!!  I don't think that's even a real country--it's just a question you got wrong on your World History midterm in 9th grade.

 

So you may be wondering what is the effect of all this coffee on the behavior of Finnish people.  It's clear that if Americans drank the same amount of coffee as Finns, American industry would be booming!  Well, to be completely accurate, the American industry that makes toilets and urinals.  All other American industry would see a sharp decline as the number of workplace bathroom breaks would skyrocket.  Not to mention the way meetings would turn into the simultaneous shouting of half-conceived ideas and cries for torches and pitchforks.  I'm not suggesting that this would make meetings less productive than they currently are--just less suitable for getting some shuteye.

 

 

 

 

My observations have yet to notice any effects of their perpetual overcaffeination on Finns.  However, I have come up with a theory.  For those of you who read my previous blog post, my heartfelt condolences.  Really.  No one should have to suffer as you have.  Except maybe a sociopathic degenerate with a strong streak of hypermania.  So I guess there is some rhyme and reason to the universe.

 

But since you have read about the endless twilight that is the Finnish summer, and since we can extrapolate a similar endless dreariness as characterizing the Finnish winter, I am coming to the conclusion that the normal condition of anyone living this far north would be to spend six months never fully asleep and six months never fully awake.  But the exceptionally smart Finns--MY people--have figured out that extreme caffeine consumption can level things out to 12 months of being neither fully awake nor fully asleep.  It is wonderfully effective at avoiding those pesky mood swings like "happiness" or "enthusiasm" or "talking to other people".  What can I say?  These folks truly are MY PEOPLE.

 

Having said that, I must note that my darling Raija is NOT a coffee drinker.  She likes tea!  And not even iced tea or "sweet tea" (the South's solution to the need of their population for weight gain beyond what is possible by continuous consumption of solid food), but hot tea.  Which means that somewhere in Finland, some four-year-old is having to drink 52 pounds of coffee this year.   I would take heart in the thought that the extra caffeine will propel that four-year-old to greatness and he or she will one day be President of Finland.  Except that, in this country of 5.3 million people, pretty much everybody gets to be President sooner or later.  I think my turn will be next year.