My Civic Duty

With the Finnish Parliamentary elections now only 17 days away, it is incumbent (ha, ha--what a clever pun) upon me to advise all of my readers about the proper choice for them to make when they cast their ballot. 

 

Let's start with a careful examination of the eight political parties which currently have representatives in Parliament.  And by "careful examination", I of course mean, let's look at the slogan of each party, pick the one that has a good beat and that we can dance to, and vote for that party.

 

So here are the slogans (translated for the 99.922% of the world's population that would rather go through life with a live rat in their mouth than learn Finnish): 

 

• "Bravery"
• "We Will Fix It"
• "The Way for Finland"
• "The Way of Business"
• "Finland to Fitness"
• "The Finnish Party"
• "Now, If Ever"
• "Close to You" (actually, a better translation of this would be "Near You", but I wanted to honor those musical geniuses, The Carpenters)

 

  

As you can see, you are now a fully informed voter and can easily distinguish the party that best reflects your values from all the others.

 

But, in the unlikely event that you want even more information before making your voting decision--which is another way of saying, "in the unlikely event that you are not a Hoosier voter"--I will provide you with a translation of my translations.
 

"Bravery" - "If you believe that the role of government is to act as the Old Testament God and to smite anyone who strays from your own personal religious beliefs, then we are the party for you!"  This party, Kristillisdemokraatit, also takes the position that some immigration should be permitted into Finland--but only if the immigrants are Christians.  (This is true.  If you think this position is somehow at odds with "freedom of religion" then you weren't listening when I explained the plague-of-locusts governmental model, were you?)

By the way, let me just point out to all my Tea Party readers that this immigration rule is not one that I support for America, and nor should you.  Because even if we had adopted this policy two hundred years ago, it wouldn't have kept the Irish out.

 "We Will Fix It" - "If you believe that the role of government is to give you everything you want at no cost to you, then we are the party for you!"  Now, because you are a Finn, and therefore have actually received an education during your years at school, you know that this makes no sense.  But you also know that there's no way in hell that this party, Vasemmistoliitto ("Leftist Group"), will ever be a major political party, so a vote for them is a vote to keep the right-wing nuts from being the only cuckoo birds in the Parliament.  And, besides, as long as they don't get ahold of the checkbook, Vasemmisto will advocate for things we like: gender equality; marriage equality; ecological responsibility; public education; building a statue to Joseph Stalin.  (Well, maybe the last one might meet some opposition from extremists, such as those shown in the following photograph.)

"The Way for Finland" - "If all of your friends are voting for the Leftist Group and you want to pretend to be progressive, but you really don't want any changes, vote for us!  Our official name is the Social Democratic Party but our real name should be the 'Don't Make Waves' Party.  We are usually in the governmental coalition, no matter how right-wing the lead party of the coalition is.  Because we really don't have any firmly held beliefs!"  For my American readers, just think of the SDP as the Indiana Democratic Party, if the Indiana Democratic Party were being marketed by Hallmark.

 

 Actual Campaign Photo of the SDP

Because, contrary to my diatribe, the SDP

is willing to take a firm stand

in favor of cute little girls with backpacks.

 

 

"The Way of Business" - "If you think that all of your problems are caused by Finnish CEO's not making 1000 times the income of the average worker--such as is the case in the United States--and that getting prompt, reliable and courteous service from government agencies is proof that we need to change how those agencies do business, then we are the party for you!"  We are the pro-business wing of the American Republican Party, only without the political necessity of giving a rat's ass about social issues.  Marry who you want.  Believe or don't believe in what you want.  Pick the sins that suit your dysfunction.  Just join us in reducing upper income taxes, business regulations, and--most importantly--reducing salaries for workers.  Can you believe that some of these people want jobs AND wages?  The temerity of workers these days.  This party also suggests that if you vote for another party, you will end up either on the road to Subsistence Living or on the "Greek Road."  As for the latter, I'm not sure whether they are suggesting it's the road to national bankruptcy or to deviant sex practices.  I'd better find out, as that will strongly affect my choice of parties to support.

 

 

 

"Finland to Fitness" - "If you grew up in the countryside or a small town and never left, because you heard wild stories of the big city--restaurants that don't serve boiled potatoes and fried meat; buildings where people go just to look at pictures that other people drew; brown people; electrical music; dancing; even all of the last three things in the same place!--then we are the party for you!"  We think it was a good thing when Finland got its independence in 1917.  And that every change since then has been for the worse.  But with your support, and our total disregard for reality, we can return to that wonderful time!

 

 

"The Finnish Party" - "If you are suspicious of everything--immigrants, intellectuals, women, people who read books, the police, that neighbor who looks at you funny each morning when you come back from the grocery store carrying only six cans of beer--then we are the party for you!"  This party is roughly equivalent to the U.S. Tea Party, but not so vocal, nor so given to getting worked up at every crazy rumor they hear.  In short, there is a lot to be said for the six-cans-of-beer-a-day principle as an essential part of the political platform of most political parties.

 

 

"Now, If Ever" - "If you care about nature and the environment and haven't figured out that there is no chance in hell that America will ever get serious about reducing carbon emissions--which renders pointless all of the good works that Finland has done or could ever do to save the planet, then we are the party for you!"  This is the party for people who studied Emmanuel Kant in school rather than John D. Rockefeller.  And, like the Leftist Group, the multiparty system in Finland means that the Green Party's 8% of the vote is enough to be heard in Parliament and maybe even to get a spot in the ruling coalition.  Until it's time to build a nuclear power plant in Finland, and then it's "Hit the bricks, Treehugger!"  (Actual occurrence in Finnish politics in 2014, complete with rude English-language proclamation by the pro-business party.)

 

 

 

(It's true.  The Green Party in Finland embraces not only trees, but

also diversity.  You can be a Green even if you have red hair.  Amazingly.)

 

"Close to You" - "If you are Finnish but your first language is Swedish, you will vote for us.  Period.  We don't stand for anything.  Because we don't have to.  We're the only politicians that can understand that gibberish that you speak--not even actual Swedes are quite sure what you're saying most of the time--so you will vote for us.  And that's why we can use a sappy love song as our political motto!"