With Finnish national elections less than two months away, the campaigns are in high gear. One would assume. But as a survivor of US national elections, I am hard-pressed to find evidence of said campaigns here. No billboards telling me which candidate will save America/Finland. Not even any TV ads warning me which candidate hates America/Finland and/or is a known thespian. And I have yet to hear those magical campaign words "legitimate rape."
So one has to wonder, is there really a political campaign occurring here in Finland right now, or when I was told that Finland is having national elections, was I actually an unwitting victim of a Finnish version of Punked, with a Finnish version of Aston Kutcher? (Now, there's an idea that should give you nightmares.)
But I'm not as gullible as you might think. I have not blindly accepted the word of a Finnish person that there is an election in Finland. Instead, I investigated, examined and analyzed the question with all the skill of an American college student. Which is to say, I googled "election in Finland" and skimmed the first randomly selected Internet page I came across. So now I can tell you with full certainty that there is a national election in Finland scheduled for April 19, 2015. And Barack Obama has introduced secret legislation that makes us all subject to Sharia Law. And Elvis is still alive, but has been kidnapped by aliens and transported to a strange, distant world where he is worshipped as a god (and, surprisingly, the name of this strange, alien place is NOT Mississippi). And Dan's hand tremors will be cured on Days of Our Lives, probably by Jack Deveraux when he returns once more from the dead.
But back to the Finnish election. Apparently, the law in Finland is that candidates and political parties cannot start their campaigns until two months before the date of the election. I guess the idea is that these people should spend the other 3 years and 10 months between elections actually doing their jobs! That damn work ethic they have here. Luckily for me, since I am an American, I am not afraid of hard work. I can always fall asleep sleep right next to it. Ho, ho, ho.
But back to the Finnish election. Apparently, the law in Finland is that candidates and political parties cannot start their campaigns until two months before the date of the election. I guess the idea is that these people should spend the other 3 years and 10 months between elections actually doing their jobs! That damn work ethic they have here. Luckily for me, since I am an American, I am not afraid of hard work. I can always fall asleep sleep right next to it. Ho, ho, ho.
U - S - A ! U - S - A !
But back to the Finnish election. The political parties only have two months to get their message to the voters. So why am I not being besieged by slanderous, foaming-at-the-mouth accusations about the opposing party? Probably because there is not ONE opposing party, but ONE DOZEN. The Finnish system, I have learned, uses proportional D'Hondt representation, so that there is not a head-to-head, winner-take-all vote for each separate legislative seat but a sharing of the seats based upon the relative popularity of the different parties' ideas.
Sorry.
I apologize.
I strayed into factual information.
Lucky for you, it's a lot like hard work--I'm sure you can fall asleep right next to it.
Anyway, there are currently 10 different parties with representatives in parliament, plus several other parties that came close last time. (By the way, the top vote-getting party among the "also-rans" was The Pirate Party. For real. Unfortunately--this being Finland--even The Pirate Party has political principles and a platform. And--anticipating your feeble attempt at cleverness--no, the platform does not have a "plank" for landlubbers, swabbies and Johnny Depp [real 18th Century pirates really hate that guy, I am told]. Among other things, they are against the current patent laws and daylight savings time. Which are two things that, to be honest, I really did not anticipate would be things that pirates would give a flying f**k about.)
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So, with so many different candidates to choose from, you can see why that staple of American politics, the "my opponent is a Satanist who drinks the blood of babies" campaign slogan, wouldn't play well here. Because the candidate would then have to add "And so is my other opponent . . . And my other other opponent . . . And those ten other opponents as well." Not all that credible a campaign tactic, I suspect. Not to mention the fact that, if people are willing to support pirates, what makes you think they won't vote for Satan?
Moving on--if people here don't cast their votes on the basis of negative advertising-induced fear, panic and greed, then how in the world can they make their choice?
Well, it turns out that there are these things called "issues" and candidates and political parties are expected to state their "positions" on these "issues." Even more surprisingly, these "issues" are more controversial than "foreign terrorists attaching the United States--for or against?" or "Do you favor or oppose allowing Americans to go to Christian churches?"
Instead, candidates and parties are asked, on the record, about economic policy--deficits, spending on social services, tax rates on upper income Finns, the bailout of Greece; foreign policy--joining NATO; health policy; education issues; and values--same sex couples, accepting political refugees, etc. And most surprisingly of all, these candidates and parties state their positions on the issues!
Last week, the Helsinki newspaper compiled the answers from candidates and parties to about 30 questions and then let voters answer the same questions. Then it matched you with both the parties and the individual candidates that most reflected your views. Although I am, technically, not supposed to vote in the election (some nonsense about not being a citizen), I also did the matching. After which, I realized that the Finnish election laws are wise not to let me have a vote. The three parties I matched best with were: (1) The Greens; (2) The Commies; and (3) The Left Alliance.
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So, either I've found a country where the ideals of the 60's counter-culture are still admired or all of this is actually a flashback to when I dropped acid at Woodstock. Although, I never dropped acid, and I wasn't at Woodstock. Which is what most of the people who dropped acid at Woodstock would now say. Say, is that Hendrix starting his set?
Sorry.
I apologize.
I strayed into factual information.
Lucky for you, it's a lot like hard work--I'm sure you can fall asleep right next to it.
Anyway, there are currently 10 different parties with representatives in parliament, plus several other parties that came close last time. (By the way, the top vote-getting party among the "also-rans" was The Pirate Party. For real. Unfortunately--this being Finland--even The Pirate Party has political principles and a platform. And--anticipating your feeble attempt at cleverness--no, the platform does not have a "plank" for landlubbers, swabbies and Johnny Depp [real 18th Century pirates really hate that guy, I am told]. Among other things, they are against the current patent laws and daylight savings time. Which are two things that, to be honest, I really did not anticipate would be things that pirates would give a flying f**k about.)
So, with so many different candidates to choose from, you can see why that staple of American politics, the "my opponent is a Satanist who drinks the blood of babies" campaign slogan, wouldn't play well here. Because the candidate would then have to add "And so is my other opponent . . . And my other other opponent . . . And those ten other opponents as well." Not all that credible a campaign tactic, I suspect. Not to mention the fact that, if people are willing to support pirates, what makes you think they won't vote for Satan?
Moving on--if people here don't cast their votes on the basis of negative advertising-induced fear, panic and greed, then how in the world can they make their choice?
Well, it turns out that there are these things called "issues" and candidates and political parties are expected to state their "positions" on these "issues." Even more surprisingly, these "issues" are more controversial than "foreign terrorists attaching the United States--for or against?" or "Do you favor or oppose allowing Americans to go to Christian churches?"
Instead, candidates and parties are asked, on the record, about economic policy--deficits, spending on social services, tax rates on upper income Finns, the bailout of Greece; foreign policy--joining NATO; health policy; education issues; and values--same sex couples, accepting political refugees, etc. And most surprisingly of all, these candidates and parties state their positions on the issues!
Last week, the Helsinki newspaper compiled the answers from candidates and parties to about 30 questions and then let voters answer the same questions. Then it matched you with both the parties and the individual candidates that most reflected your views. Although I am, technically, not supposed to vote in the election (some nonsense about not being a citizen), I also did the matching. After which, I realized that the Finnish election laws are wise not to let me have a vote. The three parties I matched best with were: (1) The Greens; (2) The Commies; and (3) The Left Alliance.
So, either I've found a country where the ideals of the 60's counter-culture are still admired or all of this is actually a flashback to when I dropped acid at Woodstock. Although, I never dropped acid, and I wasn't at Woodstock. Which is what most of the people who dropped acid at Woodstock would now say. Say, is that Hendrix starting his set?
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