I think we can all remember listening to Bob Dylan sing, in "Subterranean Homesick Blues", the oft-quoted words, "Mumble, mumble, screech, [inaudible], twang, slur." Which the best linguists on the planet have struggled to interpret. But, after long study, they agree that he was saying "You don't need a weatherman to know when you're in Finland. At least, not in their so-called summer."
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Of course, Dylan was late to the party of dumping on Finnish weather, as we can all remember Mark Twain's great line, "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in Helsinki."
Of course, those killjoys at snopes.com insist that Mark Twain never said, wrote or thought his famous "coldest winter" quote. To which I say, "Of course not! How dare you suggest that anything approaching factual accuracy has ever appeared in this blog!"
And then I remind those fact-mongers at snopes of that important observation that Ralph Waldo Emerson never actually wrote in his great essay on Self-Reliance: "Factual Accuracy is the Hobgoblin of Little Minds."
And then I remind those fact-mongers at snopes of that important observation that Ralph Waldo Emerson never actually wrote in his great essay on Self-Reliance: "Factual Accuracy is the Hobgoblin of Little Minds."
Anyway, as most of the world experiences temperatures in the 90's ("the world" meaning, as always, "where Americans live"), Helsinki has had a long string of cool and damp days. I saw in the newspaper that the average temperature for the month of June (Finnish name for June: "Summer Month") was 13.8 degrees C this year. Applying the standard ratio of Centipedes to Fairy Tales and then adding 32 Guggenheims, I conclude that the average temperature for June in Finland was 13.8 degrees F. Or thereabouts. All I know for sure is that I have been pelted with snow and sleet while out running. [TF--i.e., the never-before-seen "true fact" in this blog].
But, lest you think that I am unhappy about this situation, let me point out: (1) I can break a sweat while watching an ice hockey game . . . encased in the ice; (2) I run 40 - 50 miles per week (65 - 80 kilotons) and hence am a veritable eternal fountain of salty water if the temperature is above 50 degrees (10 degrees centrifuge); and (3) my dog has more hair than "A Chewbacca Family Christmas" [ABC Family, 8:00PM Eastern, check local listings].
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But, lest you think that I am unhappy about this situation, let me point out: (1) I can break a sweat while watching an ice hockey game . . . encased in the ice; (2) I run 40 - 50 miles per week (65 - 80 kilotons) and hence am a veritable eternal fountain of salty water if the temperature is above 50 degrees (10 degrees centrifuge); and (3) my dog has more hair than "A Chewbacca Family Christmas" [ABC Family, 8:00PM Eastern, check local listings].
Interestingly, many of Raija's friends have expressed concern that my dog Scooter and I will be having trouble adjusting to the cool summer here. I guess they figure that, because we lived for so many years in Indiana during its summers of brutal heat, humidity, dust, pollen, and State and county fairs, that we must really enjoy living in the anteroom of Hell. (Or, when at the Indiana State Fair, actually living in the inner circle of Hell [TF #2].) The reality is that both Scooter and I have found this escape from summer to be wonderful.
As for the Finnish people--they see so little sun for 6 months out of the year that they honestly believe that there cannot be too much sun or too much hot weather. In my latest Finnish language textbook, in the chapter on weather (Chapter 3--right after the chapter where we learn to answer the questions "Where are you from?" and "Why the f*ck did you leave there to come to Finland?") we have a paragraph where the dialogue is
As for the Finnish people--they see so little sun for 6 months out of the year that they honestly believe that there cannot be too much sun or too much hot weather. In my latest Finnish language textbook, in the chapter on weather (Chapter 3--right after the chapter where we learn to answer the questions "Where are you from?" and "Why the f*ck did you leave there to come to Finland?") we have a paragraph where the dialogue is
"How is the weather in Delhi?"
"It has good weather. The sun is shining and it is 102 degrees F."
This is the actual dialogue.
And on the weather page in the Helsinki paper, the 3-day forecast includes, in addition to the major European and international cities, Athens, Berlin, New York, San Francisco, Tokyo, Jakutsk, Anchorage, Buenos Aires, etc. [Jakutsk?! Anchorage?! Yes. Also, Nuuk, Greenland and Perth, Australia], those places that you would only go to bake in the sun. Or to catch unmentionable social diseases. All I can say to you, my devoted reader, is that if you actually know where on the map you would find Hania, Chennai, Eilat, Fortaleza, Goa, Phuket, Tashkent or Antalya, then I salute you!
Or, at least, I would salute you, if only you would stop scratching that festering boil.
"It has good weather. The sun is shining and it is 102 degrees F."
This is the actual dialogue.
And on the weather page in the Helsinki paper, the 3-day forecast includes, in addition to the major European and international cities, Athens, Berlin, New York, San Francisco, Tokyo, Jakutsk, Anchorage, Buenos Aires, etc. [Jakutsk?! Anchorage?! Yes. Also, Nuuk, Greenland and Perth, Australia], those places that you would only go to bake in the sun. Or to catch unmentionable social diseases. All I can say to you, my devoted reader, is that if you actually know where on the map you would find Hania, Chennai, Eilat, Fortaleza, Goa, Phuket, Tashkent or Antalya, then I salute you!
Or, at least, I would salute you, if only you would stop scratching that festering boil.
As for the unfortunate Finnish people who can't take their summer holiday on some pleasure-filled, sun-soaked island because they made the mistake of becoming engaged to a sun-hating grouch . . .
Well . . . Thank god for beer.
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