Foreign Tongues--Not Nearly As Interesting As It Sounds

Like 117% of Americans, I know three things: (1) that I am exceptionally good at math; and (2) that I am exceptionally good at language.

How, then, is it possible that learning foreign languages is so difficult for me and my fellow Americans?  Well, as much as I hate to brag, the answer to me is obvious.  As all Americans know, foreign languages are stupid.  But, to be fair, we shouldn't expect anything better from those poor foreigners.

 

And, clearly, some of them are trying to speak English.  With the Germans ("Was ist dass?" "Habst du ein Bier fur mich?") and even more so with the Dutch ("Ik heb pijn.  Waar is het ziekenhuis?"), it is obvious that, if they were only a little smarter, they would actually be speaking English.

 

To a lesser extent, if you listen closely to what people in Great Britain are saying, there may be some vague similarity to the English language.  As long as you don't venture into Scotland.  There, it is quite clear to language experts such as myself, they are not speaking any language at all, but merely engaging in a random series of noises.  Which makes sense.  Since the time of the Roman Empire only two thoughts have been expressed by residents of the land north of Hadrian's Wall:  "This weather sucks."  and "Give me a whisky."

 

Actually, in 1995, the residents of Scotland tried to find sufficient grunts and snorts to express a third thought:  "Who the fick is Mel Gibson to pretend to be a Scottish heroic figure?"

 

Unfortunately, that thought proved to be too complex for the whisky-soaked brain of the greatest living Scottish philosopher:

Rumor has it that the strain of trying to express a new idea has so enervated this great Scottish thinker that now he plans to retire to a farm, where he will have only a pig, a cow, a dog, and three vowels: e, i and o.  We wish him well.

But now it is time--nay, it is past time--to talk about ME.  And how it is my great misfortune to have moved to a country that has followed the misguided notion of creating their own language rather than the much better option of choosing to speak some version of "English lite."

 

To begin with, Finland doesn't even call itself "Finland" but rather gives itself the name "Suomi."  Two different names for the same place?!  Are they trying to keep Americans away?  Even France, which pretends not to wish that it was a territory of America, calls itself "France."  And Holland calls itself "Holland."  And Canada calls itself "Canada, eh?".  Of course, England calls itself "The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland", but we all know they are just a bunch of pompous bastards (excluding good old Prince Harry, of course).

 

 

I trust that I have made my point about foreign languages now.  You youth out there that are suffering under the oppression of a dictatorial teacher, demanding that you research and write an essay on some meaningful topic, I encourage you to submit this document, verbatim.  (Also feel free to copy it word-for-word.)  And do not feel any obligation to mention my name, but rather take full credit for this as your original thoughts.  And, no need to thank me.  As we educators like to say, it is the least I can do to help you learn an important lesson.

 

Ta-ta for now and cheerio!