Hey, America: Where Are You Going? . . . And Why Are You In That Handbasket?

Let me preface this post by paraphrasing Quentin Compson:  "I don't hate America!  I don't hate it!  I don't!"  In point of fact, I still carry a US passport, speak ungrammatical English, care whether my university's fake students can beat your university's fake students at football, and have a disturbingly passionate interest in things automotive.  Can't be more American than that.  So I raise the questions in the title of this piece out of love.  Out of my love for being an annoying, know-it-all jackass, that is; but it is still out of love.

So why do I think that in general America has what we in the education field, when talking to our failing students' parents, refer to as "Areas for Improvement"?

It may surprise you to discover that I am not going to point to twerking or people related to Bruce Jenner by marriage.  You see, there has been bear-baiting, Punch-and-Judy shows and actors saying such smutty things as, "[I will take] the heads of the maids, or their maidenheads."  (Romeo and Juliet, Act I, Scene 1) for as far back as you care to look.  So, other than showing that America is not so much a "classless society" as a "tasteless society", it's not a big deal that Americans equate "merit" with "having appeared on a 'reality' TV show."  Admittedly, I personally would prefer that television was only used to transmit sporting events (especially those involving men the size of beef cattle {and with the same pharmaceutical history} crashing into each other) and reruns of The Wire and Firefly.

 

But that's only because I have such good taste.


So why IS America going to Hell and doing its best to bring the rest of the world along for the ride?  Because America has become the land of "Eat Dessert First!"  Oh, yeah.  "And Send the Bill to That Other Table!"  Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.  Because, by the time the next generation figures out how badly we've screwed them, we will have retired to some foreign country with cheap labor and no extradition.  Yay Us! 

Speaking of the next generation, I salute the concept that has taken such firm root in the minds of privileged Americans, that making things easy for one's children can be equated with parenting.  No, really; I do!  I vaguely remember some demented old nutbags telling me that I needed to knuckle down and do things that weren't fun--that working was the price I had to pay for having things I wanted, and that hard work was just a part of accomplishing anything.  Who were those lunatics, anyway?  Oh, yeah.  My parents.  And the parents of all my friends.  I mean, who were they to be giving us advice?  It's not like they ever had to overcome anything.

 

So, I am sure that we are on the right track when we give our 2-year-olds and 4-year-olds their own iPads to play with.  (No, I am not using my much beloved hyperbole--acquaintances of mine are actually doing this.)  Because otherwise those children would have to do something for themselves.  Oh, The Horror!  The Horror!  Though perhaps I am being unfairly critical.  I suspect that these children's early familiarity with touch-screen technology will prepare them very well for working in the fast food industry. 

So, yes; maybe I am suggesting that "Eat Dessert First!" may not be the greatest long-term strategy.  Still, it has three hundred thirty million practitioners in the US.  Which is to say, all Americans except for you and me.  And I have my doubts about you.

So how can you tell if you really are part of the problem or are part of the solution?  A simple, sure-fire way to find the answer to that question is to take a look at the following scientifically generated graphic, calculated specifically for you:

 

 

 

 

 

Okay.  Maybe you'd rather have a more interactive way of determining your status.  Can do!  Just answer the following questions and then we can figure out which circle of Hell is ideal for you!

  

1. Did you trade in an older model iPhone for an iPhone 6 or 6 Plus?  You are part of the problem.  Since no one on this planet (including the software engineers at Apple) has yet figured out how to use all the features of the iPhone 4S, much less the iPhone 5,  you didn't buy this phone because you needed its functionality; you bought it out of vanity.  And we all know where vanity leads:  to writing a blog calling into question the judgment of people who have the latest iPhones. 

By the way, if you have one of the new iPhones, make sure you're not getting your cell phone service from AT&T.  I hear that their coverage is awful   .  .  .   in Hell!

 

 

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2. Have you given an iPhone 5C, 5S, 6 or 6 Plus to your child or grandchild?  Then you are a Big part of the problem.  You be seated in Hell immediately in front of an overactive 8-year-old, who will relentlessly kick the back of your seat while singing the Barney song nonstop at the top of his lungs, for all eternity.  But that's only because the Devil has not been able to think up any worse torture.  However, if I am wrong about Dick Cheney being a flesh-eating zombie who will live forever, then it is only a matter of time until he takes his intended place as Vice President of Hell.  And then there will be some serious torture there.
    
   
   
3. Have you driven more than 5000 miles in the past year in a personal car?  Of course you have.  You are a part of the problem.  And were you the only person in the car a majority of the time?  Of course you were.  You are a BIG part of the problem.  And did your car average under 25 miles per gallon (not the EPA perfectly tuned car driving downhill in a tailwind mpg, but the true, mathematical mpg)?  Of course it did.  You are a HUGE part of the problem.  As am I, and as is every American who can buy, rent, borrow or steal a car. 

You know those pictures of people in Beijing having to wear hospital masks when they go outside?  Well, China pollutes the air at less than half the rate of Americans.  (By the way, care to guess how receptive the Chinese are to Americans telling them that the solution to climate change is for the Chinese to cut back on their industrialization?)  In fact, we are the best in the world at polluting the world.  (Time now for all of us to raise our big foam fingers [made of non-renewable materials and fully non-biodegradable] and together chant, "We're Number One!")

4.  Do you have an adult child who has never a "job" job--the kind where he or she had to get up five days a week and go do something he or she doesn't especially enjoy, for 7 or 8 hours?  You know, pretty much the definition of "job" for our parents, and their parents, on back to the beginning of time?  Actually, this does not make you part of the problem.  If your child has been motivated, worked hard, developed a talent, and is earning his or her own living doing something that he or she loves, you are part of the solution.  It is people like your child who may be willing to take the hard steps that will be necessary to clean up the mess that we are leaving them. 

In contrast, if your adult child has never had a "job" job, or any sort of full-time job, or any job that he or she went out and found for themselves, it's likely that you are part of the problem.

 

5.  Do you shop at Walmart?  Part of the Problem.  Do you not know who is the president of China?  (Hint: if like me you think it is Hu Jintao, you are 2 years behind the times.)  P of the P.  Do you think that Islam is a Middle Eastern religion?  P o t P.  Do you not know what the fifth most populous country in the world is?  Or that it just had a presidential election?  Or who won that election?  Or what her political party is?  P o t P.  Do you think that evolution and intelligent design are both scientific theories?  P o t P.  Do you think that immigrants (legal and illegal) are drag on the American economy? P o t P.  Do you think that people who own businesses should be taxed at a lower rate than the people who do the work--as is currently the case in America?  P o t P.  Do you think gas prices in the US are too high?  P o t P. 

So, what's the point of this?  The point of this is that, although you clearly are a part of the problem, in fact, a big part of the problem, actually, if all of the parts of the problem were collected in one place, it would look like Gulliver and the Lilliputians, and you would be Gulliver--

Nonetheless, there is something you can do.  Actually, there are a lot of things that you can do, but I have eliminated all of those that require effort, or sacrifice, or paying your fair share, as now is NOT the time for invoking the humor of the absurd.  But there is one thing that you can do, consistent with your historic behavior of sending the check to the other table.  And it has been explained for us by the people at www.despair.com (who also can provide calendars, coffee mugs and other items designed to keep the recipient from even trying, all of which make perfect gifts this holiday season):